january 2022

every memory, every feeling, that i have is far and fuzzy, plays like a movie i've watched years ago and can vaguely recall, where scenes are muddled up, unsure if they actually happened or if i'm filling in convenient pieces. even when it's happening, when i'm in the present and i know this will become a memory, in that live, real time, right now, everything feels distant, and muted, and not real.

there are two things that i'm always sure of, though: the first, that these will become watercolour memories, the dissociation will weather everything cloudy. the second, that any time you're in them, you feel real. you feel real, and you were with me, somewhere i can see and feel and remember. you, the feeling of you next to me, sharp and weighted and so blood hot alive past the fog of my dissociation. 

august 2020

everything reminds me of you. these days, these weeks, i've been relearning how to live with your love, with my love for you. i feel like i'm doing it all wrong.

february 2019

this trip to new york felt clouded by loneliness, even though i saw and hung out with plenty of friends. i had become used to spending days alone in the city, then later at night meeting a friend for dinner—or so i thought.

i spent a lot of time alone as usual, but this time i really felt it. i spent a lot of time walking through neighbourhoods without aim; it was cold so i would follow the sun until my feet hurt. i spent a lot of time sitting in a lot of places: at museums, cafes, bookshops, train stations, ramen shops, and here, on this warmer day, at central park.

here i sat in the emptiest corner i could find. by the water because water always feels a little like home. from a distance and for a very long time i watched people, most likely tourists like this pair. i watched them look around, like maybe they were looking for someone to take a picture of them together. i saw them look over to where i sat, but i pretended not to see; i was the closest to them, but still far enough where it would have taken some effort to ask a favour.

so, instead i let them take individual photos of each other, and then i took this picture of them together, but probably not how they wanted. and then i left, to be lonely somewhere else.

6:46

7:13

7:40

september 2018

sometimes feeling real is hard and simply existing is a real trip, but i remember i have survived everyday that i have lived and that there are little things in everyday life for me to see and marvel and in that moment, it's a little easier to breathe

july 2016

let’s be happy.